Can Anyone Understand Me Who is Not Bipolar?

Today my sister made a comment that really hurt me. I know that she didn't mean to upset me, but she said - "Have you ever tried to have a normal sleep schedule? I think it would help you if you were on a schedule."

I was speechless. Sleep schedule. No shit Sherlock. Do you think I like insomnia? Perhaps I like being bipolar. Oh yes, sister. I enjoy going through cycles of depression and hypomania. It is fun. This is the way I want my life to be.

It was deeply disturbing because I have been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 14. I first took sleeping pills around 12 or 13. In the last almost 20 years I have tried the following sleeping pills, tranquilizers, vitamins, herbal supplements, books on tape, alcohol (not in excess 2 glasses of wine - I have no tolerance for nausea so 2 is my limit), meditation, therapy, books on tape, Law & Order (amazingly effective at times), music, tea, warm baths, exercise.

I'm not sure what else is out there in terms of getting on a sleep schedule.

I hung up the phone and cried. I cried because she has known me for almost 32 years (32 years as of next Friday). Seriously, 32 years. My parents will tell you that I have had erratic energy and mood levels since I was very young. And my sister has seen this. She knows that I started on meds and therapy at 14. She knows I attempted suicide and was hospitalized at 16. She knows I was hospitalized at 24. And yet she thinks I have not been trying hard enough. Like I haven't been working at regulating myself.

So after crying I decided to call her back. And told her the following.

My brain does not work like yours. I have tried everything I can think of. I have an erratic schedule at times not because I choose to, but because that is how my body functions. My brain goes through periods where the chemicals misfire. It is like being on drugs - my body cannot sleep. You can hit me with heavy meds and I still will not sleep. And at other times you can pump me full of caffeine and I will not stay awake.

And then she said yes but maybe it is because you own a business and stay up to late working or doing this or that. And I said ... please understand what I am saying to you. This happens whether I work or not. This just happens. And yes I spent 4 years with virtually no issues and then I had a baby and life changed. My hormones changed, my stress level changed and life has not returned to before. My financial situation changed as did many people when the economy changed. Some of these things are not in my control and yes they do have an effect on my condition.

But the bottom line is I have been this way pretty much forever. And yes, things help, but nothing I have tried fixes it. There is no magic go to bed every night at 11 pm and you will be fine. I can't will this away.

And I thought that she understood how hard I try to stay well. I thought she knew how much I struggle to do right by myself, my daughter, my husband. And yet apparently she doesn't.

In the end she said. I will never really understand you, because I am not in your shoes. And I know that and yet it hurts.

It hurts when my husband makes little comments I know he doesn't mean to be unkind, but he says if you would just be consistent with your exercise you wouldn't get depressed. If you would just do this you would be better.

Well I wish it was that simple. But dear husband you have known me since I was 14. You were the one who saved my life and rushed me to the hospital when I was 16. You have been married to me for 13 years. Do you really think that there is one magic bullet that will make me all better? Do you not understand that when the depression hits I cannot get to the gym. The energy isn't there.

And then it makes me worry that my daughter will grow up and she will believe these things too. Perhaps she will think her mother doesn't try hard enough. Maybe her mom doesn't care about her enough to stay out of bed every day all day.

I hope that I do right by her. I hope that she grows up to be compassionate. I hope that she knows that I love her more than the anything. I hope she knows that I searched very hard about whether I should bring a child into this world.

I know someone expects me to say I hope she doesn't grow up to be bipolar. However, I'm not going to say that. And the reason is ... I am who I am partly because of this disorder. And although my life is hard and some days I feel my life is tragic and I worry that it may have a tragic ending. I know that ultimately the world is a better place because I am in it.

And one of the gifts that I have to give to the world revolves around the fact that I have bipolar disorder. It revolves around the fact that I have been through psychosis. I have been to places that most people cannot imagine going. My mind can take me to terrible places.

The gift in that is that I can help other people who may be going through it. I have found that everyone knows someone with a mental illness. And I can be here to listen and offer my words of guidance. I don't have the answer - but I have a lifetime of personal experience and research knowledge.

And maybe my daughter will grow up to be like me. Maybe she won't. Who knows. Only time will tell.

One of the most amazing people in the field of psychiatry is Kay Redfield Jamison and what makes her so good is she herself is bipolar. I highly reccommend all of her books.