Staying Healthy for My Daughter

Being a mom has made me more aware of my mental health status. I think being a mom is one of the hardest things I've ever done. And it is also the most rewarding.

I've talked about my struggles with bipolar disorder on my other blog, My Bipolar Pregnancy so I won't rehash everything here, but will share some of my story.

I have had mental health problems for the majority of my life. I first started seeing a psychiatrist when I was 14. At the time I was being treated for major depression and anxiety disorders. Looking back it amazes me that I wasn't properly diagnosed. In fact, I lived with the wrong diagnosis for 10 years. Ten years is actually the average amount of time that someone who develops the disorder in their teens gets treated for the wrong disorder.

I also have spent the majority of my life dealing with suicidal ideation, which means I have spent a significant part of my life fantasizing about taking my own life. It is a horrible way to live. I have been fortunate that in the last few years I think about it less and less. I have attempted suicide 3 or 4 times. And I came very, very close to dying when I was 17. Luckily my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) found me in a coma and saved my life. Years later I once again attempted to overdose when I was in college. And then when I was 24 I tried to shoot myself, but the gun didn't go off because I was using the wrong ammunition. These were not the only times I attempted, but they were the most serious. I worry that one day I may try it again and succeed. I know the statistics, in my lifetime I have a 25-50% chance of succeeding in a suicide attempt. It is distressing to thing that I may die at my own hand. I share these things with you all because I want you to know if you too have been suicidal you are not all. These are things I am not proud of, but they are the facts of life for me.

Currently, I am diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder with Psychosis and am a ultra cycler (meaning I have many, many mood shifts during the year - as many as 3 a week when things are really bad. I sometimes worry that my daughter will inherit this. And while that will be horrible, I also think that I will be able to help her.

I have long believed that their is an upside to being bipolar. I know many people with this condition do not think there is any personal benefit. But here's what I know - I'm very smart (I fall into the genius category on IQ tests), very creative (I'm a graphic designer and marketer) and very successful in life by other people's standards. I think the same problem in my brain that leads to bipolar disorder also leads to these traits.

My daughter, although only two years old, is already displaying many of these traits. I'm sure this sounds like I am a bragging mom, but she is ahead of her peers in many ways. She has a larger vocabulary, loves to do art projects and has a very active imagination. My parents say she is a lot like me. I take great pride in that.

Back to the point of this post. I stay well for my daughter. I also stay well for me. And it hasn't been easy. Back in November I decided to reduce my meds, and my family was a good reason taht I did this. I found that I was getting worse not better (you can read more about that here) and I felt like a zombie. I wasn't able to have joyous moments, I wasn't able to think. However I was able to be depressed and suicidal.

Reducing my meds has been very hard. When I got off Abilify and Zoloft I became manic. And for me mania is personally destructive. I had problems with my husband and I spent mroe money than I should have. Although the upside to the mania was I was very good at getting work done, which is a good side effect for me of hypomania.

Currently, I only take one medication and a number of vitamins and supplements to help keep me well. I also exercise daily, get sun every day and use a Philips goLITE BLU Light Therapy Device. These things have done an amazing job for me. I am doing better than I have in the last three years.

I highly recommend that anyone living with bipolar disorder try a daily regimen of exercise, sun exposure, bluelight and vitamins including Omega 3 fatty acids (fish or flaxseed oil).

As moms, it is important that we focus on staying well for our families. I hope that my daughter won't look back at her life and think - boy did I have a crazy mom. I hope that she will think that I have a mom who is strong, who overcomes challenges and leads a good example of leading a healthy lifestyle.

In the coming months I will be creating a community where we can all share our thoughts and feelings on being bipolar. I hope that when it is ready you will join in.

Please, leave comments or send me an email. I would love to connect with you all.